STATEMENT FROM RYAN GOSLING:
Dear The Devil,
I'm so sorry my most recent SOUL cheque has bounced, but I used some of my balance to buy those Nickelback tickets and didn't have time to read the Bible to any orphans and top up the account before you tried to cash the cheque.
Don't worry though, I’ve got enough of MY SOUL in there now to make the regular payments to you for my career that somehow allows me to be the only handsome (it's true, come on. We're not fooling anyone by pretending I don’t know it) working white actor guy in Hollywood who still makes a decent movie every year, gets laid regularly and STILL hasn't been cancelled.
Worth every SOUL CREDIT I've ever spent with you, haha!
And the best part? There's absolutely NO CATCH to THIS DEAL I MADE WITH THE DEVIL and the whole thing will NEVER lead to some kind of weird/painful ironic punishment for my vanity/hubris or blow up in my face in ANY negative way, WHATSOEVER, EVER.
Phew! I tell you what, the one thing that I’m ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN OF is that I DEFINITELY haven’t spoken too soon, and there is ABSOLUTELY NO DOWNSIDE to this deal I’ve made with you, THE DEVIL.
Hey… Look at that weird mirror. What's up with that? Anyway… Thanks again for everything, My Master.
Ryan Gosling
Professional Handsome White Guy (Non-Cancelled)
PS - Thank you for my corner office. My horse loves it too. 🐎😊🤙🥰
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FOLLOW UP STATEMENT FROM RYAN GOSLING:
Hey Mr Tapscott,
I trust your eminence is matched only by your handsomeness and wisdom, my Lord! Ha ha I trust also that you received my soul payment on time this month? Like, you definitely got it, right?
Right?
Anyway, I'm only asking because, um, there's this cat in the neighbour's yard that keeps staring at me, like, all night… And even one time when I was using the bathroom, I turned around and it was in a tree I didn't think it could climb, just like, looking through me, you know?
I couldn't tell if it could hear my thoughts or not, but my ear was itchy, you know? But like, under the skin, like, IN the skin? Was that the cat you think? Can they do that? Then when I zipped up, it was gone. So, I don't know. Then I swear I saw a spider in my agent's office, but when I looked under the rug I thought it crawled under, nothing was there… then I had like a bite mark on my left palm, but I didn't feel anything, just, numb. And empty. I'm cold again.
So I just wanted to triple check you got the soul payment, right? Or do you need me to find someone else's soul too? Because I'll do it. I'll do anything. Well, I mean… Mostly anything. I won't do TV.
Like, we're cool, right? Like, you said no downside to dealing with you, right? There's no catch or anything to the agreement I made with you, the devil, to swap my soul for being handsome and famous, right?
Ha ha well I know you're probably knee deep in power-lord stuff and don't have time for my insipid whining, right my guy?
For I am like nought but dust ‘twixt your mighty fingers Lord! Doth thouest honour thine with your endless benevolence till midsommar’s warmth dwindles and cowers before thy might of thou shadow once more, my master?
Let me know!
With Love,
Ryan Gosling
Professional Handsome White Guy
PS - I ate my horse… I don't know if that's all good or not, but like, I did it. It's not coming back. So quit asking!
PPS - Sorry! I didn't mean to yell at you, oh merciful one who rules living and dead alike.
PPPS - Let me know when ur in LA! Emma, Margo and me want to take you to our favourite brunch spot. 10/10 mimosas! 😋
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RESPONSE FROM MR TAPSCOTT
Hey Ryan,
BEHOLD
Thanks,
Nick 😊
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